A pretentious city cop who has something to prove takes on a difficult murder case that brings forth the mental and physical pain of his past, present, and future.


(Dear, Anybody) I guess you can say this is where it all began for this note to be written. I was part of the elite NYPD…most would say that most famous group of law enforcers at least in the United States of America. We were trained to do what no other law enforcement agency would do…get the real jobs done. None of those noise complaint style problems I’m talking…the real problems. Problems that mattered to the community at large. Robberies, grand theft auto, kidnappings, you name it we did it. Well…at least everyone else did except for me. I was just a man who came to work and did all the stuff nobody wanted to do. Piles of paperwork that needed to be done at specified times…for all I knew anyone could have glossed over the paper work and did a poor job at it but I always made sure everything was done to specification. It had been 15 years doing this…I was growing tired of the monotony and the shame my superior's made me feel everyday I walked into work. Until one day my boss pulled me aside and assigned me a murder case. The death of a father and his two daughters. This changed my life, I felt like a big shot for the first time in my career. They put me on the case alone to see if I could handle the load. This was all going to payoff in my mind…what happened in the next year of my life would have changed my life for the better…but it never did... I might not be here to tell the tale but I hope these letters put the events of my later days into perspective

(Final Day Trepidation) It all started on my last day of duty…I was working heavily on a homicide case for the duration of a year long period. A man that I had been searching for brutally beat and stabbed a man and his family beyond recognition. The motives were unclear, but I felt like I must dive deep to uncover this onslaught of unforgivable evil. The day had come when the tracks previously covered by this horrible human being became the evidence I needed lay this to rest once and for all. I had tracked down the one person I had been searching for day in and day out for an entire calendar’s worth of days. My trepidation grew when we had discovered that the murderer who did this had been hiding out in an abandoned warehouse on the other side of town for several months.

(Cog In The Machine) The time had come to finally make my move. I refused help from the department as this was my redemption. Redemption for all the years I had been nothing more than a cog in the machine just to keep it going and not integral to NYPD’s system of justice. This was my chance to prove myself as more than just a man who can’t get the job done right. It was my time to make a change.

(A Man and His Thoughts) I went to that hollow warehouse on that cold November night… Just me. Nobody else was present. Just a man and his thoughts. I began to become anxious at the mere thought of this year of my life culminating to this one moment that could make or break the life I sought out. I could either capture the man I had been searching for…or I’d suffer the fate of many of my peers who were fearless for all the years I had started this dangerous journey. Death was no longer an option, I had to win for the family who lost their lives. I made my way to the warehouse at 10:30 PM. I felt myself getting lost in it all in that moment. Almost as if I forgot that I was even driving in the first place focusing on the task I set out to do. It was the only thing on my mind at that moment. I arrived at the warehouse about quarter before 12 and I took a collective breath and starred off for awhile before slowly exiting my vehicle. I began to walk towards the warehouse with my weapon present…When I entered I lurked around the warehouse unknowing of the trouble I would eventually get myself into.

(Dark, Cold, Empty, and Ominous) It was dark, cold, empty, and ominous. I began to search…every corner of this building was more decrepit the further I moved along. Broken water pipes, mold, you name it… it was spacious enough to hide someone for a prolonged amount of time. I began to feel my heart racing at a quicker pace than when I entered the building. I was beginning to wonder if I had tracked the man down to his specified location, or if he suspected my arrival but I guess that is what this is all about. We all live, we all die. I have decided a fate in this life but this day was not the day I would be defeated.

(Subtle Footsteps) Suddenly..I heard a noise coming from the east end of the building…subtle footsteps as if he knew he was going to meet his maker that day. The footsteps got closer and closer but the structure of the warehouse made it sound like he was coming from all directions. I stood my ground, I took my time…suddenly out of the shadows I see a man with nothing but a knife. He quickly hid in the shadows once he was aware of my presence. My hands were sweating, I was more nervous than I could have ever possibly imagined being in my entire life.

(Cold Distant Shriek) I took cover, hoping that he didn’t see me so that I can seize my moment… I was almost like the man knew his time had come, and that he wanted to finish me off like that poor family on that god forsaken day. In the cold distance I heard him shriek “I’ve been waiting for this my entire life, come out and show yourself!” And “You ruined my life…you destroyed the life I wanted..” The confusion stirred in my brain…what did he mean? All his life? I had only been seeking out this man for just one chunk of time… I made my move, I started to shoot. Missed the first of several shots…I ran for more cover as he swiftly moved closer. The darkness engulfed the man… as if he was one with the shadows that clouded his existence. Unknowing of the direction I was going to take in pursuing my final shot, he came from the shadows with a knife and tried to slit my throat.

(Twist of the Knife) It came down to myself and the man, I fought for my life. I had run out of bullets from the previous shots taken and it was up to me to muster up all the strength I had to take him down. He at one point had me on my back, and just when I felt defeated I fought back and obtained the knife he had and stabbed him in the back of his neck. I stopped to think of my life up until this point and began to question my motives. Is this what I really wanted for myself? I was wondering how I got this killer instinct in the first place, but the time to think was over as I twisted the knife deeper into the back of his neck hoping his spinal cord would render this man paralyzed. I got the man on his back and stepped on his face as the knife remained in his neck making the knife press through his body further and further…he had gone to the hell he was born to be in.

(Aftermath: No Hero) He was dead. I had won. But I didn’t feel like I won. I felt like my duty was over…I was no hero. I was a cold blooded killer who had only the same motives he had…Who am I anymore…I left the warehouse and called the authorities letting them know that I’ve done my job. I drove back to the station to finish out my final day’s duties...Where do I go from here?

(The Realization / Am I In Hell) The days went by and the information started to come in about the man that never added up. What I found out next could possibly sum up what I had never thought was possible. The man I killed was my father. He had changed his name, he had facial surgeries to become unrecognizable from what he was previous and he had a motive to kill me…The only memories I hadn’t repressed were the ones in which left scars all over my back from the lacerations of the switches and belts he beat me with.. I only remembered him as an abusive alcoholic.. It all made sense.. but it didn’t at the same time. Did he commit that murder to get to me? Did he know my every move? Did he watch my life as a police officer from afar? There was no knowing but what I do know is that he felt as if I ruined the life he had. My mother left without a trace due to his actions…I never saw her again. Could her leaving have set this into motion? Did he blame me for my mother leaving? All I know is that my days in this line of work were over as I was scarred for life. I did not anticipate retiring after my most important case but the information of my father became too overwhelming to continue doing this task. I took my ball and went home…

(Interlude: Broken Reality) Entering part two of the story.

(Shadows All Too Consuming) This was supposed to be my biggest achievement in my career. No other officer had as much evidence and time clocked into this than I did. What I did not know was that my biggest accomplishment would turn into my worst day…As the days went on after retirement I began to feel different. I was alone with my thoughts… all my friends were officers of the law. I had nobody else. My grandparents distanced themselves from my father before they passed away, I was an only child so I had nowhere to turn and I had not seen my mother since I was little. I was truly in a dark place. I had begun to drink heavily…unknowing that I would turn to a life of abuse myself. I had been diagnosed with PTSD due to killing my own father in that dark warehouse.. they said I’d start having episodes in which I’d feel a killer instinct similar to the last day I had as a city cop but I never did…I did however…find it harder to sleep.

(Endlessly Falling) I kept having dreams where I was falling endlessly and would never stop. Dreams that…I couldn’t fathom. A dark hole of depression was the only way I could describe the way it felt.. until one day I had that same dream.. that had an end to the hole I had fallen in.

(The Bottom / Something Much Deeper) There was a bottom. That bottom…was the beginning of a dream I didn’t wake up from. It was a cold, empty, and desolate place. Everything felt real…was I dreaming? Or was this a reality that I was trapped in? I was just as alone as I had been in real life. It felt as if I was awake during a surgical procedure. I could feel the pain, I could see the pain, I could hear the pain. Gunshots from a distance, screams from the voices in my head increased in volume.

(Wide Awake Nightmare) I was living out the episode of PTSD during my deep sleep… I began to roam freely as if it was on a long alone midnight walk. I could see movements of unknown beings…demons of my past began to come forth.

(Mother In The Flesh) I saw the face of my mother with a smear of makeup similar to the last time I saw her before she left me behind. I could see the hurt on her face like she was about to ask for forgiveness. That apology turned into a distorted terrifying image of my mother with blood flowing out her sockets and bugs crawling out of her mouth. I fell to the ground…and began to try to get away. Every single time I felt like I got away, the same image would appear before me. I couldn’t understand what this all meant. The image of my mother started to contort into a haunting image of her hanging by a noose. Blood curdling screams came from all directions that sounded identical to my mother on the last day I ever saw her. This nightmare was I started to feel like I couldn’t breath as I gasped for any breath that I could get..

(Lacerations / A Life of Despair) I then saw my father standing before me… with a belt in his hand…he began to whip my mother still in the noose…this time she was dead. My father continued to lash out on her dead body laughing away as if what he was doing was something he took pleasure it…as if nothing had happened before or after. He turned his attention to me…began to walk slowly towards me. Stared right into my eyes shaking and visibly shook from the act of violence that just took place… He then spoke to me…He spoke to me in a mysteriously deep voice. He said “you’re becoming everything that I am…I hope you enjoy a life of despair..”

(Running Like Hell) I began to run…run away to escape from this nightmare. There was no way out…This place was hell…a hell I couldn’t imagine wanting to live in.. This was no ordinary dream. Every direction I ran it was all the same.. I wanted to die. I just wanted to die.

(Intertwine) I was defeated… These episodes I lived in my dreams reminded me that my biggest accomplishment was my biggest failure. Every time I try to get away from my guilt and suffering I realize that everything was intertwined. I sat there…unknowing of what I could do to change the way that I was feeling. It was overwhelming…too overwhelming even. My life was not only a lie but it was a terrible realization that I was going to carry traits of the man I feared the most.

(The Chase / Deja Vu) My father reappeared and started chasing after me… I ran and ran and ran but every time I got away a wall would appear. I ran to the right…a wall would appear…I ran to the left…all directions were covered and I was slowly losing my mind. I was cornered. He had the same knife that I had killed him with previously with the same blood that came from the back of his neck. I was living out the same situation in my dreams that I did in real life.

(Violent Within These Walls) It was time to face my fears…I fought back in the exact same way I had done when I was awake in that musty warehouse. I got my father to the ground and began to choke him to death. He gasped for a breath but I would not let anything go through his windpipe as I crushed it more and more. The last thing he said to me was “take care of yourself son…” as I killed him I began to cry. All I ever wanted was a family to call my own. My work life was always a joke to everyone…I pretended to have friends but in actuality I was bullied continually. They all said I was a terrible cop with no redeeming qualities and I'm tired of pretending they were anything but cruel to me. Was this one big set up? I bet they know all along that my father was the man I was searching for. There's no doubt in my mind that they were out to get me from the start. I was smart and always good to everyone around me. But you know...it's not like I deserve that or anything... I got on my knees and begged god for forgiveness…forgiveness for killing my father. Forgiveness for never being the best I could be. Forgiveness for always letting the people around me down. Forgiveness for never being all I could be. The lines were blurred and it was time to accept my fate. I began to self harm just to see if I could feel it. I started punching the walls I was enclosed in. Looking for anyway to get out.

(Final Escape…as the Light Fades) A door with light peaking through it opened wide. I began to ran towards that light as fast as I could. Was this my chance to finally get out of this horrific place…As I got to the door I stopped for a second and pondered if I even deserved to wake up for what I have done.. Maybe this is what I deserved…I closed the door and laid on the ground and embraced what this place was…a place of punishment.

(Depths Unseen) The city cop life was never easy for me. The anxiety I felt each day…the hard work over the years was all destroyed by one day I’ll never forget. Out of all the strange, devastating, horrific things that I’ve seen I never once thought I’d barely recognize the one man I never forgave in my life. I killed my own father… and I barely know how to feel about it. He chased me, terrorized me, abused me more than he ever did when I was a kid. He’s now the monster that I always pictured him as. The realization that I was becoming him in my real life… that made me want to die an unspeakable death. I never did wake up…at least figuratively. I was in a comatose state…I remained silent for the rest of my days…until now. This is where I leave now…for good this time. I have become nothing. My achievements don’t mean a damn thing. Life just isn’t simple anymore…I want this to all go away… Goodbye to anyone who saw me in a good light…existence is pain that I no longer want to feel. Leave me…with the depths unseen.